Thursday, May 28, 2015

NAIL IN THE HEART

A cardboard box of personal office goods was delivered to me a week after I was fired and escorted from the building.

  
First I peel the Sellotape
skin intact, pull back two abdominal flaps –
one to the right, other to the left –
peer into the dark guts
of a box of an old man’s chattels.

Where is this metaphor leading? 
Is the box me or is the stuff in it me?
I feel as I felt sifting sorting tossing
stuff from my dad’s wardrobe
weeks after he died. 
I could be dead –
all those emails of eulogy –
hundreds of them keen to say
how much they admired how
I had done the right thing.

I weep over the pathetic mundanity,
of my possessions in the box
left after my execution –
a nail hammered
through my heart.


INTERCHANGE

I remember him as a small old man
quiet and happy in his bedside chair
A repat patient from World War I, watching,
never a trouble to anyone
with his light brown beret each Tuesday
when I did my morning rounds in the late Seventies
of long-stay patients, usually with TB,
in the upstairs ward at Rankin Park.
Our meetings were always brief -
few words, the stethoscopic ritual,
the laying on of hands -
then I was on my way.
But he did not have TB
and no-one could be sure
what he had, or indeed whether
he had any illness at all.
The folk who ran
Rankin Park thought this place
as good as any for this man to live.

The ward opened to a verandah that faced north
so in winter he would sit
in a rocker outside.
One Tuesday I saw he was in decline.
Nothing to be found
and nothing done.
Next week he was in bed:
he had something special for me to hear.
I bent close. "They shot them all," he said.
I pictured a fatal moment
in the trench. "They shot them all,"
he said again for emphasis.
"The bloody British shot them all.
The horses. Our horses.
The horses we brought back
to Britain at war's end."

Now as I drive along the M4
past Wallgrove, where the horses trained
I see the plumes of emu feather replicas
worn in the hats of the Brigade
atop the regiments of poles red
with blood and poppies
on the mile of median strip
at the Light Horse Interchange.
I recall my conversations at Rankin Park,
with the man, with his economy of words, his beret
and not much else. 
I think of his love for the horses
a love that sustained and troubled him for six decades.
and I feel bereft and impotent.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

NO PANE NO GAIN




Last week when I returned
I found my desk
covered in dust
family photos dispersed
other documents damaged:
(no prof should have an empty desk).
I had been away
and wondered if colleagues
had enacted a cremation
scattering my ashes
with a light but disorganising touch.
 
So four weeks is all it takes, I mused,
to incinerate the idea
of me, my work,
my modelling clay, my canvas.
Then through my jet-lag
I saw a pane was missing
from my window. Robbery
on the second floor?
But when I looked outside
I saw it dead and broken
on the ground.
 
So much for my paranoia,
but at my age when time
runs backwards towards dependency,
when the diminished locust in me
seeks its spent chrysalis
as a refuge,
anything is possible.
 
Well it’s not, actually –
and that’s the problem.

TIPPING POINT




Large cappuccino please.
Quatre dollars the barista replies:
this is Le Grand Café
on Clarence at Alliance Française.
 
When transferring coins from pocket
two slipped.  Bien attraper!!
the barista smiles. T
hey do not
hit the floor nor are they in my hand. 
 
My custom is this: order morning coffee
then to the loo while it brews.
When I open my fly two coins fall
into the bowl, glint with a watery smile. 
 
Who knows where money has been
my mother said, urging me to wash my hands
before eating after touching coins –
and certain other things. 
 
Back in the café my coffee beckons,
Christmas decorations on the lights and wall –
goodwill in tinsel; the season of gifts –  
today I leave a two-coin tip. 

Monday, September 29, 2014

PROGNOSIS


It was his unsteadiness of gait
his slurred baby words
as though a drunken man
had taught him
that gave the game away.
 
Only two, and the scans
were far worse:
secondaries in his spine
liver and nodes
and then the sardonic pathology
that marked our entry
to the land of astrocytoma.
 
We visited foreign cultures
continents of chemo
surgical islands
archipelagos of different doses
and duration of radiation.
Stage 4 the doctor declared
so he'd be dead
within a year.

In such a perished
and abominable land
it’s only chance that sees him
still alive at nine.
But each time he gets a cold
it's my brain not his that melts
and the sun goes out
and I walk with a wobble
across a floor of fear
as he did seven years ago.

Monday, September 15, 2014

LIBERATION





Today I leave Afghanistan,
its grievous wounds, missiles,
shouted orders, charges,
deceits and betrayals, drones,
its impassive Buddhist monuments

with torn-off limbs and bullet-pocked faces,
poisonous and exhilarating poppies,
deserts and mined mountain places.

 
But not all bad and never dull.
Paradoxically I never felt imprisoned
by the captivity of war.
There's always a way
to soak with excitement
in another's flesh.
 
 
 

 
Usually we only show a third:
two-thirds of our selves are locked
in our personal Guantanamos
until war or crime or illness
changes the game and society's gates
are blasted open
and for one brief shining hour
we are truly free.
 

 
 
 
 

 

 
 

 
 
 

Monday, August 4, 2014

SO LET US CULTIVATE THE GARDEN


Of all philosophers in Turkey
the Dervish was
by all accounts the best.
So, weary of their disputations
Pangloss and Candide sought him out:
“Reverend father, why so strange an animal
as man was made?”
 
“With what meddlest thou?”
the Dervish replied.
“What signifies it
whether there be evil
or there be good?
When his highness sends
a ship to Egypt,
does he trouble his head
whether the mice on board
are at their ease or not?”
“What then must we do?”
asked Pangloss. “I had hoped
to reason with you
about causes and effects,
the best of all possible worlds,
the origin of evil,
the nature of the soul,
of pre-established harmony.”
 
Whereupon the Dervish said,
“Hold your tongue.”
and slammed the door
shut in their faces.